More explanation needed.

I tend to over explain things; I think it has something to do with the fact I’ve been told I talk a lot. Mom blames Grandma for that because she gave me a phone to play with as a kid. It started as a toy phone, then I insisted on a real phone, then there was the $742 cell phone bill (to this day I stand by the fact that it was NOT my fault), and now we have this blog that allows me to ramble. So allow me to explain a few things, specifically things that were brought up in comments after the first post.

The emotion of it all:

We can’t lie, things have been difficult at times. We all know that I am the most emotional person in my family. I cry out of frustration, sadness, and even anger at times (it’s better than rage blackouts, right G?). But we’re not in the "mad at the world" mindset or on the verge of tears, and we certainly aren't bitter towards people who have kids or who are pregnant. We just hope that one day soon that will be us too.

We don’t want this blog to be a sad things but we're more than acutely aware that things aren’t guaranteed to go our way. I’ll get to this later but let me just say now, my mindset is completely different than it was months ago, or even 4 weeks ago. This is hard, it’s not a natural feeling when you want something and you’ve spent your life assuming that when you want to start a family you will be able to. But we’re taking the approach that the glass is half full right now, and we are ready for what God has planned for us next.

Current status:

I realize that in my last post I talked about a lot of things we have gone through in the last 14 months and breezed through what is going on right now so let me update that with more detail. Like I said before, I am on the pill (ignore the counterproductive implications) and metformin.

I’m on the pill to regulate my body. Which is comforting to this type-A personality who hasn’t been a fan of the guessing games my body has put me through lately. The doctors have to be able to control what my body is doing in order to successfully complete fertility treatments.

I’m on metformin because I am insulin resistant which has different implications. First let me mention to those that are worried, because of my family history of diabetes I have an appointment to be tested for diabetes. Metformin is a generic of a drug used to treat Type 2 diabetes so that’s slightly concern worthy. Note to all reading this: don’t ever Google symptoms of anything you think you may have. The number of things on the list of possible symptoms for diabetes that I have was alarming but until I get a test done I’m not the kind of person to freak out.

Right now I think I love the metformin. To explain: I have been on it for 9 days now and just increased to 2 pills a day. Already I have started to notice the effects, meaning that my need for sugar has decreased a bit. I’m excited to increase my dosage in hopes that my sugar needs/cravings continue to decrease. The plan is for me to increase my dosage weekly- week 1 is one pill, week 2 is two pills, week 3 is three pills, and week 4 and beyond 4 pills a day.  It’s a lot of pills, but already I feel like it is having an impact. I still have sugar urges but it’s less strong and not from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to sleep. And if I do eat something sugary I actually feel like I don’t need more. In fact, I just ate a normal sized piece of cake and feel kind of like uck. This is incredibly encouraging to me because this is more like the old me where sugar didn’t always set well with me. So yay for feeling bad!

The combo of being insulin resistant and having PCOS also makes it nearly impossible to lose weight but very easy to gain weight. Add in my “sugar is like a highly addictive drug” issue and suddenly there’s a weight issue going on too. Ok, everybody stop rolling your eyes, cussing at the computer screen or shaking your head at me- I realize I am not FAT but I have gained weight. The exact number I won’t tell but it is a significant amount.  While it is not the end of the world it does weigh on my psyche. Plus it’s never fun when a pair of pants used to be comfy and suddenly they fit like a pair of jeggings (meaning like second skin… meaning the fat girl should just go up a size).  My choice of jeans within my closet has decreased because I refuse to have a muffin top and I refuse to buy bigger jeans. So instead of saying I have 20 something pairs of jeans, I have a rotation of 5 going on. Hopefully with the metformin I return to my own self soon and will be able to comfortably wear all my jeans.

This week we are scheduling an appointment for our nurse teach/consult. My friend (who I shall just refer to as L because this isn’t my place to put her news on blast) already had their consult and she said it was scary. I don’t doubt it; it’s not something I look forward to since we have to learn all about the hormone shots that I will be required to have and how to administer the shots.  The really scary part is I don’t go to a doctor for this, oh no, this is an at home “homework” type project. I like to refer to it as “sticking your spouse with a needle”. Worst homework ever.

Our mind frame today: optimistic.

We have a lot of things in life that ARE going our way and we are trying to take time and appreciate those things. We have a ton of people who love and support us, and that are willing to do almost anything for us. We can’t say thanks enough! All of the comments, emails, texts, phone calls, and facebook messages just prove what we already knew- we have awesome friends and family. So thanks to all of you for your support, prayers, thoughts, and love.

Major reason why I am optimistic- we know the issue!! I am actually one of the lucky infertile ones. Yes, that’s an oxymoron like “jumbo shrimp”. So many people battling infertility face “unknown infertility” meaning that there’s no explanation for their infertility issues. So we’re lucky that we know that I’m a lemon we can take on the problems with a plan.

We are also optimistic because I’m working! I like getting out of the house, I don’t mind retail because I get to talk to people (see the above mentioned talking issue) and I am making money and not spending it. That never happens at a mall for me! Generally I am a fan of retail THERAPY, not just retail in general.  Also, I have had significantly more legal based opportunities arise recently and a lot of positive feedback on me and my resume. Being able to get out of the house and work has made me feel more like my normal self, which I think has helped my attitude all around.

We really, truly are in a good place mentally right now. Neither of us is the type of person to let life knock us down and not get back up. But I think we had a lot of negative things happen without a lot of positive so our will to fight was struggling. Not so much anymore. I know I’m somewhat sarcastic and use self-deprecating analogies here but it’s not meant, “to mask the pain”- I’m ok, I promise! The sarcasm and slight self-deprecation is normal, that’s just me and when it stops then you should all worry. Till then feel free to laugh, we do. 

The scheduling of our nurse consult/teach means we are taking another step in the process. That’s exciting to us, especially me, the non-patient half of our marriage. I’m psyched and it makes me focus on the end result more than the shots (still no tequila, darn it!) and the tests. I tend to focus on the shots a lot but I really have been so much better about them. In fact, most of the nurses have told me that if I hadn’t alerted them to possible fainting/ vomiting problems, they would have never known. Unfortunately I am guilty of randomly passing out on people so I try to avoid that now.

So that's a bit more of what is going on. Like I said at the beginning, a lot you addressed similar things in your comments (private and public) so I thought I'd use the public forum to address them. Sorry this was long again but refer back to the beginning of this post- I talk. A LOT.

Best, Scott & Jo