I've wrote a couple post the last couple of weeks but I've held back on posting them... Someday I will probably post most of them but I think just being able to write and put in words what I'm feeling is a nice cathartic release. Especially when I'm frustrated and hurt.
Last night another Twin mom posted a link to a story about building other moms up, especially in our society when so many people are quick to say comments that can be hurtful. Maybe they aren't meant to be hurtful, like the "gosh your hands are full, I'm glad I never had twins" probably isn't meant as a mean but it comes across negatively, especially when you hear it on a weekly basis from people. The article wasn't directed at MoM's (moms of multiples) but obviously that's what my friend and I bonded over and could relate to especially. The article was written by a mom of 3 and she told the story of being at a restaurant and a couple with their newborn started to apologize to those around them when the baby started crying. I think most parents have been there before, I know I have. I remember that feeling of, "Oh my goodness, so sorry everybody!" But as long as you aren't ignoring your child and not trying to comfort them why should we suffer a guilt trip about it?
Scott and I take the girls to breakfast at HyVee every week and we do our grocery shopping as a family. It's a cheap breakfast, it's not the best or gourmet but especially when I wasn't working, it was a nice break from the house and from cooking every meal, that we could easily afford. We've become regulars. Granted we are the youngest regulars there as every other regular is probably retired but they have welcomed us, they love the girls, and even the staff knows us. Does that make us pathetic? Hmmm... The point of the story is some weeks the girls make a mess on the floor- hashbrowns, pancake, eggs, and even some plastic spoons make their way onto the floor beneath their highchairs. Now HyVee is a grocery store, not fine dining (seriously, $12-15 for breakfast & drinks for all 4 of us!) but we feel bad and feel like we need to clean up every time we leave despite the fact that we are always told that it's ok. And when the girls have their loud moments when they're getting impatient (aka Betty White'ing it), nobody around us says a thing mean, in fact they all love it. I think that's part of the reason we go back, the environment makes us feel comfortable, not critiqued or like we're a bother to anybody.
I still remember being in Culver's a few months ago with Scott and the girls. On that particular night Charlie wouldn't eat anything but ketchup and french fries... it was really more ketchup than fries to be honest! While she wasn't screaming or crying she was being louder than normal and Ellie Jo was being louder and more messy than normal. Short version is they weren't being their normal selves when we took them out and we found ourselves wanting to clean up and get out of the restaurant quickly. That's when a woman who had been sitting a few booths over with her husband came up to us and thanked us. I had noticed her watching us, which in a weird way isn't abnormal, people often watch us like a circus act because we have these two lil matching girls and they're pretty darn cute! But it was what she said to us that will stick with me- she literally thanked us and told us how we parented our girls was refreshing. She noticed that we were letting the girls try things themselves but were still monitoring them closely. She said even though they were getting messy we let them continue. I think we were both a little shocked to hear somebody thank us, it's not the normal comment we get.
It's not that I think people should thank us for parenting, I don't need random validation from random strangers HOWEVER I could deal without the negative comments and even the complaints about our parenting. Seriously, complaints. I won't go into detail, but I mention this because it's effected my mentality as a parent, a wife, and a member of my family. I don't care what the random stranger at Target says, if they're happy they don't have twins then I'm glad too, they would probably suck at parenting twins if that's their mentality. Yes, I said it. They would suck because of that mentality.
Have I mentioned that I am protective of my girls and my husband? I think we can add our parenting style to that list... I'm not going to go on the offensive and attack people for critiquing us, I don't think it's appropriate. My parents have pointed out a few things to me as we've discussed this issue and my hurt feelings: nobody knows our situation like us, we make decisions based on what works for us in the situation and we have to live with those decisions. Our girls are happy, healthy and developmentally on track. Not to mention that they aren't complete terrors and have already developed skills that show they are developing into responsible and capable little kids (to the extent that is possible at 19 months). Are we probably the best, most amazing parents ever? No, but we do the best we can.
We aren't perfect, we aren't experts, we're parents.
Some of the greatest compliments I've ever received are about my parenting. My husband tells me weekly, how much he appreciates all I do and even better is hearing him tell the girls how lucky they are to have a great mommy like me. Seriously, he's awesome. My mother's day card from my brother still sits in my office because of what he wrote to me about my mothering. I know I'm not perfect but I keep these things close to me so when I encounter the negativity I can remind myself that others think I do well.
But it seems like the negative always makes a bigger impact than the positive for many moms. I would say maybe it's just me but I know that's not true based on conversations I've had with other moms and the reaction to my friend's post on facebook.
I think I've strayed from my original intention: we shouldn't tear others down for their parenting. Parenting is hard and you won't agree with what everybody does but you also don't know their situation. Yes, Scott and I often discuss different things we see & hear about parenting, and it does involve critiquing but also positivity for approaches we think could work for us. We're a team, not mind readers, and we have to be on the same page. Plus, there's a legal evidentiary exclusion for marital discussions so as long as we aren't taking the discussions outside of our marriage I feel ok with it.
So what's my point? Maybe it's a little thing but instead of giving somebody a look when their kid is screaming and disrupting you maybe just smile at the poor parent trying to calm their child. Or maybe give that parent with the screaming newborn an encouraging comment instead of glaring/staring at them. It's the little things but I think it could be a big difference in the long run.
No comments:
Post a Comment