I'd be complaining about my job when people don't have a job.
I'd be complaining about morning sickness when others would love to be pregnant.
I'd be complaining about my children's attitudes when others would love to have lil ones, crabby or not.
I saw a quote today that said "Heartbreak changes people" and I couldn't agree more. I've mentioned it before, infertility and my struggle changed my outlook on everything. I think it made me a better and more compassionate person. So I'm trying, I'm trying not to be play the victim, and I'm trying to turn the things that are pains in my life into things I can be thankful for. No, I'm not perfect, and I realize bad days happen but I've had worse days so this will get better, I know it.
Tonight I got to talk to a friend that is even more compassionate than me. I mean it when I say that I hope she gets everything she is working for right now. She deserves it.
Since finding out I was pregnant I have had some intense guilt. I have felt terrible about this surprise pregnancy when so many people I love and care about are struggling to conceive. My oh so very compassionate friend is struggling right now... Just as with my first pregnancy I felt that it would be better to reach out to those friends who I know are struggling to let them know personally before word gets out. I wanted to warn them before they see it on Facebook or some random person tells them. Years ago one of my great friends, Shaun, called me when she found out she was pregnant and I could tell she was so nervous to tell me. I was so thrilled for her though, because I knew how much she wanted it. I appreciated her telling me personally though and have remembered that.
So tonight I picked up the phone to call my friend and let her know. I was literally shaking and then crying as I started to tell her. I truly want her to be pregnant. I want her to be a mom. I think she will be an amazing mom and because the desire is in her heart, I want her to experience it. But I have felt so guilty to be in this situation as she and so many others struggle...
Maybe this seems weird to others, maybe not. But I've now been on both sides of the situation and I know there's no way to avoid the hurt and pain. I can't make her feel better nor can I not make her feel pain. Selfishly it made me feel better when she and her husband congratulated me and told me they are happy for us.
I also called one of my favorite people to let her, actually it was my friend Shaun! Her and her family have been on my mind so much lately so I felt like that was a sign just to call her. Her family has always been my St. Louis family, her mom is my St.L momma, and I truly love them to pieces. They have been there for me for years but they are also some of the funniest, and most loyal people ever! Shaun and I played softball together for Webster, had many classes together, partied together, went through many life stages together, and even worked together for a while! This summer she lost her father (a very kind, generous, and welcoming man) to cancer. Shaun's son turned 2 this month and with the holiday Mr. O'Shaun and the O'Shaun family have been on my mind. So I called Shaun up (sometimes I refer to her as Mel O'Shaun, but she lost the "O" years ago to me and she's married now so her last name is different, but she's still my Shaun!) and got to talk to her a bit. I wasn't sure if I was going to tell her yet that I'm pregnant, secretly I was hoping she was pregnant with Baby #2! We tend to go through things in similar time, it's weird but I think we both secretly love it :) Anyway... 30 seconds into the conversation this is what I hear in the background:
Jon (Shaun's hubby): Who's that?
Shaun: Jo
Jon: Is she pregnant?
At this point I hear Shaun make a noise (probably because she know what I went through) so I imagine she was doing the wife thing of shushing Jon and glaring at him thinking that question might offend me. Instead I started laughing and said, "Well actually, yeah I am!" And from that point Shaun's excitement cheered me up from my bad day.
Shaun's excitement makes me excited to tell people and I hope maybe at that point some of the guilt will subside, or at least stop consuming me like no other. Because I am very excited about this pregnancy, and I feel very blessed! So on with the normal weekly questions...
The picture on the left is from 10 weeks when I was starting to feel rounder and the right is 12 weeks where I definitely look rounder in my opinion!
how far along: 12 weeks
size of baby: according to the bump a plum, about 2.1 inches long and weighing .49 ounces. All of baby's critical systems are mostly formed, and now he or she just needs to work on growing and maturing.
weight gain: I'm towards to higher end of my normal range right now. I have a 5lb swing where I generally don't care about my weight, as long as its within that 5lb range then I'm good. So far during the pregnancy I've danced up and down in that range due to the sickness. I probably won't start counting the lb's till I get out of that range... Funny to note, with the girls I started 12lbs higher than my normal range due to all the drugs and the PCOS. Crazy!
maternity clothes: nope but I did ask our nanny if I looked pregnant before I went to a firm on Wednesday. Thin wrap dresses aren't very forgiving and tend to accentuate any roundness, therefore I thought I might be tipping my hand. My work partner also looked at me like I was insane when I mentioned this to him.
symptoms: Occasional baby bloat and still my lovely morning sickness, yay. I was puking Tuesday night and had an overnight trip scheduled Wednesday night so I was really nervous about the car ride to Omaha. My work partner and I discuss a lot of random (sometimes inappropriate) things but me puking in his car would be uncomfortable.
exercise: Nope, just still stretching a bunch and some pilates like moves.
cravings/aversions: Nothing in particular. It's just an as need basis.
movement: nope
sleep: It's been fine, I just keep waking up early and I wish that would stop!
size of baby: according to the bump a plum, about 2.1 inches long and weighing .49 ounces. All of baby's critical systems are mostly formed, and now he or she just needs to work on growing and maturing.
weight gain: I'm towards to higher end of my normal range right now. I have a 5lb swing where I generally don't care about my weight, as long as its within that 5lb range then I'm good. So far during the pregnancy I've danced up and down in that range due to the sickness. I probably won't start counting the lb's till I get out of that range... Funny to note, with the girls I started 12lbs higher than my normal range due to all the drugs and the PCOS. Crazy!
maternity clothes: nope but I did ask our nanny if I looked pregnant before I went to a firm on Wednesday. Thin wrap dresses aren't very forgiving and tend to accentuate any roundness, therefore I thought I might be tipping my hand. My work partner also looked at me like I was insane when I mentioned this to him.
symptoms: Occasional baby bloat and still my lovely morning sickness, yay. I was puking Tuesday night and had an overnight trip scheduled Wednesday night so I was really nervous about the car ride to Omaha. My work partner and I discuss a lot of random (sometimes inappropriate) things but me puking in his car would be uncomfortable.
exercise: Nope, just still stretching a bunch and some pilates like moves.
cravings/aversions: Nothing in particular. It's just an as need basis.
movement: nope
sleep: It's been fine, I just keep waking up early and I wish that would stop!
gender: Not a clue. But every week we are a step closer to knowing...
looking forward to: Telling people! Like I mentioned earlier, I think it will help me not focus on the guilt
worries: The same as before... I should probably stop watching things like Grey's when people stroke out after simple surgeries and are unable to lead a fulfilling life after that. Just saying. Also I'm a lil worried about the girls... C really likes to step on her baby dolls and that makes me a lil nervous.
what's different this time: I have two kids to chase around. Last pregnancy there was more sitting when I felt like crap. That doesn't happen much now.
milestones: I feel like 12 weeks is a milestone, even though I won't consider myself out of the first trimester until 13w2d. Getting close!
best moment this week: Telling some friends and catching up a bit with them. It felt good! And knowing that Shaun plans on telling my StL momma about the baby on Christmas to give her something positive on a day that will be a lil hard for her. She is such an amazing person, she deserves to smile :)
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